The Ten Best Emails

It was a tough job to compile the top ten list of emails, but I have had some insight. We can rule out ordinary chain letters, because many people have problems with them. We can't have anything too violent, lude, or rated worse than PG-13 because people will be displeased with those. Therefore, I think the best ones are either funny or very well done. Here are the top ten emails. If you have an email you think can make it on this list, please email it to me. Enjoy.

5. Why the Future Won't Be Like Star Trek

9. Massachusetts Bar Lawyer Association Journal

1. Vehicle Reports

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT!

         These are REAL statements made by REAL people on insurance
         forms. They are better than any jokes. The following
         quotes were taken from these insurance forms and were
         eventually published in the Toronto Sun. July 26, 1977.

         1.   Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and
              collided with a tree I don't have.

         2.   The other car collided with mine without giving
              warning of it's intentions.

         3.   I thought my window was down. but found out it was up
              when I put my hand through it.

         4.   I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
              way.

         5.   A truck backed into my windshield into my wife's
              face.

         6.   A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

         7.   The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a
              number of times before I hit him.

         8.   I pulled from the side of the road, glanced at my
              mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

         9.   In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
              pole.

         10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my
              way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge
              sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the
              other car.

         11. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell
              asleep at the wheel and had a accident.

         12. I was on my way to the doctors office with rear-end
              trouble when my universal joint gave.

         13. As I approached the intersection a stop sign suddenly
              appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever
              appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
              avoid the accident.

        14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
              vehicle.

         15. An invisible car came out nowhere, struck my vehicle
              and vanished.

         16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on
             removing my hat, found that I had a skull fracture.

         17. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so
              I ran him over.

         18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy
              in a small car with a big mouth.

         19. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was
              later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

         20. The telephone pole was approaching fast, I was
              attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck
              my front end.

         21. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into
              the vehicle. The driver and the passenger then left
              immediately for vacation with injuries.

         22. I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentlemen as he
              bounced off the hood of my car.

2. Lawyers Journal

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The following came from the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.
They are a set of questions asked of witnesses during trials and the
author says they are true.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you alone, or by yourself?"

4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception(of the baby), was Aug.8?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
         was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I ws shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

3. College Essay

[top]

Hugh Gallagher, Harper's Magazine, August 1990, p. 36

This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall.

3A. ESSAY

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hand gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned my fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I one read Paradies Lost, Moby-Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish and entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life by forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

4. The Borg vs. Microsoft Windows

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*File Description: The Borg vs. Microsoft Windows*

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have
you been able to access their command pathways?"

<Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
alter their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of
their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows'
in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85%
of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation
of the expected 'upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

<Riker> "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can
reduce their functionality."

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules
from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us ?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo"

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

<Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

<Riker and Picard together horrified> "Lawyers !!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and
sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red
tape' it often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

<Picard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not
even the Borg deserve that."

END

5. Why The Future Won't Be Like Star Trek

[top]

Good news: Although the ranks of DNRC are swelling every day, there are still plenty of dim-witted Induhviduals left to become our servants when Dogbert conquers the planet and makes us his new ruling class. By my calculation, we'll have a few thousand servants apiece. That's enough to take care of all the important work around your house, such as ironing your Kleenex, carving our family crests on soap, and running back and forth to keep the air circulating nicely.

Free Stuff ----------

I'm sure you've all noticed that members of DNRC have unique characteristics in common: incredible sex appeal, astonishing intellect, a justifiable desire to rule the planet, and -- most importantly -- an insatiable appetite for free stuff. It is with that in mind that I give you a free excerpt from my latest book, The Dilbert Future. You can forward this to your friends, thus creating the illusion that you did them a favor, all without spending any significant time or money of your own. This won't seem so important now, but someday, when you need a big favor in return -- such as a new kidney -- you can remind people that you sent them this newsletter back in 1997.

(Medical tip: Induhviduals are excellent kidney donors. Sometimes you can talk them into donating both of their kidneys by using the argument that you really need an emergency backup.)

Among the many startling revelations in The Dilbert Future is my prediction that the future will NOT be like Star Trek(tm). An edited version of that prediction is included here. Feel free to post and forward this newsletter anywhere you like (within the bounds of netiquette) but PLEASE keep the copyright information with it.

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek ------------------------------- .......................................................... Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail. .......................................................... There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology ------------------ On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter ----------- It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck -------- For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens ---------------

According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien -----------------------------------

Me: May I touch that?

Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.

Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.

Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers ------- I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.

Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.

And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs ------- Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.

I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

Shields ------- I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

Shopping with Shields Up ------------------------

Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.

Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!

Me: Try it. My shields are up.

Saleswoman: Damn!

Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.

Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.

Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors ------------------ If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip ----------------- Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.

'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness.
Copyright United Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text.
..........................................................

If you liked the free excerpt, you might want to buy The Dilbert Future.

It's in stores now. This will be a much better strategy than waiting for the rest of the book to be sent to you by e-mail. That would be a long wait. And best yet, you can find out for yourself what all the controversy with Chapter 14 is about.

6. A Little Twist of Fate

[top]

The American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his
audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he
fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had
been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers
and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway
because of this.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit
suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine
stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from
suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not
have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a
homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was
threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he
pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A
but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of
subject .

When confronted with this charge the old man and his wife were both
adamant that neither knew the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it
was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, therefore the killing of
Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been=20
accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the
fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of
murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the
failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him
to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a
shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

7. Klingon Coders

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Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:
10) "This code is a piece of GAGH! You have no honor!"
9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?!
I should kill you where you stand!"
6) "Our competitors are without honor!"
5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
1) "Behold, the keyboard of Jen-Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

8. Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal